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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28520937">if i can't be a song (i'll at least be a cry)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/animalSaint/pseuds/animalSaint'>animalSaint</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreezingKaiju/pseuds/FreezingKaiju'>FreezingKaiju</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Dragons, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Medieval, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Knight and Dragon, Knights - Freeform, Major Character Injury, Minor Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:22:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,085</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28520937</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/animalSaint/pseuds/animalSaint, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreezingKaiju/pseuds/FreezingKaiju</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>one chance.<br/>sir soryu has one chance left to prove herself something other than a failed knight.<br/>the dragon that calls herself rei has one chance to prove herself something other than an abomination.<br/>these chances clash, given their general nature.</p><p> </p><p>happy asurei day!!! 1/2 xd</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if i can't be a song (i'll at least be a cry)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>H</span>
  <span>ours. Several hours, Sir Asuka Langley Soryu knows not how many, have passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least one, to assure her the dragon was gone. Another, to gather the strength to find her gods-damned sword. It did a shit job of hiding something so precious. Asuka's almost insulted the serpent didn't place something this precious in its hoard... well, fuck, maybe precious is relative here. but still! More time to reach the entrance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now she waits. Leans against the doorway to conserve her strength, to ready herself to put up </span>
  <em>
    <span>some</span>
  </em>
  <span> kinda fight by the time the wyrm returns. perhaps the dragon's gone. Perhaps it's fucking off to burn a town, or pillage a village, or do whatever pissed the king off so royally (ha) that he sent Asuka in the first place. Maybe this stupid cave is her tomb now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Now wouldn't that be a fucking honor.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sir Asuka Langley Soryu, knight of the forgotten mountain, waylaid by an overgrown cockroach, nursed to health by the monster she swore to kill. A disappointment in every possible way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rei has only just reached the clearing before the cave. The sky above is clear, and the sun shines warmly upon her, but autumn is coming soon, and winter will follow soon after. Something brewing in her stomach tells her it will be a harsh one. She carries large bundles of ferny herbs, grains, berries, and mushrooms, all in a "basket" that is a little too small but serves its purpose well enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rei spent a little extra time gathering today-- partly (well, mostly) because she expects the stranger's appetite should be growing soon, and she would like to be prepared for said events so they will not starve or be uncomfortable under Rei's care. It is a practical gesture as far as she knows, and she is certain the stranger would not care how long she has been absent. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her feet drag against tall swaths of grass as she treks to the entrance, the wind whips cold against her face, and it feels as if all of nature has rejected her. She does not blame it; she has stolen its dignity just by existing. She finds her way to the cave opening-- she sets down the basket for a moment and hoists the stone "door" up with ease. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She peers ahead, unwittingly searching for a now-familiar rusty color somewhere within. Something is off-- the stranger is nowhere in sight. She leans down and grabs the basket with one hand before letting the door down slowly behind her. That is when she finally sees, leaning against the wall beside her, that shade of nearly-red orange she has missed dearly, that shine of azure, that... that glint of masterwork steel. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rei blinks slowly. Her shoulders sag with resignation. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This must be it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka does not bother wondering what the basket piled with food, food clearly not from slaughtered animals but foraged greens, is </span>
  <em>
    <span>for</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She's got no time. not now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am," Asuka begins, from memory but not rote enough to keep the bile from rising to her throat, "a </span>
  <em>
    <span>knight</span>
  </em>
  <span>. and a knight. does not die. </span>
  <em>
    <span>pathetically.</span>
  </em>
  <span>" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And oh, she was pathetic. She was miserable. She sat once more, as her wounds were tended by claws that should not be kind, as her path failed, as the disapproving specters of her past ring around gazing down at the lonely girl they tried to mold into a hero of song. A wretch, now, kept alive only by the twisted mercy of her captor. Oh, does Asuka </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> it. "I will die with honor. I will die in </span>
  <em>
    <span>battle</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I will not </span>
  <em>
    <span>die</span>
  </em>
  <span> for </span>
  <em>
    <span>NOTHING!</span>
  </em>
  <span>" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She steps forth, strong and deliberate. Her sword, her precious sword, out of her scabbard as smooth as ever, swings true. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet something betrays her. Something always fucking betrays her, and this time it's her body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of tearing flesh doesn't belong to the dragon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Asuka wants to </span>
  <em>
    <span>scream.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rei surges forward without thinking, not to attack, not to counter, but to catch the knight before she has the chance to collapse. The blade --in the way of her guest's body, rightfully protecting her from something as vile as Rei-- cuts her hand as she lunges into action. she winces at the pain, but it is of no consequence. This hand will not do her guest ill by refusing to hold her. The injury, the injury that just happened to incidentally prevent Rei's death at her own guest’s hands, appears to be the same shoulder wound that Rei fought the hardest to protect against infection-- it was deep and the most troublesome of her ailments, and Rei doubted she had the skill to help its mending, but through many sleepless nights and many applications of different salves, her guest weathered through the worst of it. But if she opened it again... the risk has returned, albeit fainter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rei does a quick check of temperature and pulse, presses her uninjured hand against her guest’s forehead, then her neck-- not exactly burning up, but a little too warm for anyone's comfort. she might not have a fever now, but it is not unlikely that one could develop unless properly prevented. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You need rest," Rei says. By some divine miracle, her voice --though much softer than usual, like anything louder might physically </span>
  <em>
    <span>shatter</span>
  </em>
  <span> her guest-- manages to remain unaffected, like she had not just been threatened to the end of her own life. If she was human, some may find it sad how close she came to death, and how quickly she accepted that fate. More odd than sad, though, is the hollow feeling that accompanied that resignation, a chill ringing through her bones, some ache in her chest that had never been there before. Why had she felt that now?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rest. I need rest.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It's true; she is so very unsteady on her feet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka’s hand falls limp, her sword clatters to the ground, under the gentle, caring touch of a dragon she so hates. A dragon that has wrought nothing but healing, nothing but care to Asuka herself. A dragon with the kindest voice Asuka has ever known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The knight’s code states that a knight who fails to slay a horrid beast is no longer worthy of their sword. It says the same of any knight who fails to protect a healer. How do those square, here, now, with </span>
  <em>
    <span>this?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As a failure. As a miserable, horrible, disgusting wreck.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The knight, if she could ever be worthy to call herself that again, lets out a tired laugh, one that quickly curdles into a wretched, furious sob. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mama, what kind of monster am I?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She reaches up again, then, hands shaking, eyes burning with more emotions than she’d care to admit. Grasps her scarred, weak hands around the dragon's shoulders and </span>
  <em>
    <span>squeezes</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Winces through the pain, and asks a question, demand and beg rolled into one sorry package: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why? All this, what’s it for? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why haven’t you killed me yet?!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The dragon takes a deep breath, just another in a long list of things that should have never happened, an accursed chain of events lasting two decades starting with the death of a god and ending with this deplorable beast who names herself Rei. No matter how fervently she dedicates herself to the arts and skills of medicine, no matter how perfectly she isolates herself, it will never be enough of an apology to the universe for daring to still remain. So what can she say to this knight, this human being who has forced her to remember the reason she keeps existing? She could answer that it is her self-assigned duty to do so, which is not wrong, but something about it doesn't exactly ring true. There is something rippling beneath it, something undefined, something Rei would prefer to </span>
  <em>
    <span>leave</span>
  </em>
  <span> undefined lest she admit some disgusting kind of selfishness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The final answer is too complex, too revolting to give in its entirety. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It is my duty as a healer to do so. If I did not, I would have never forgiven myself. I must justify the space I have taken up in this world. You give me purpose. You are too beautiful to be left for dead. I deeply want someone to see me and to let me see them in return. And...</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"I..." she knits her brow in thought, like her final answer-- simple as it is-- confuses her. "I want you to live.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that does it. In many senses, that little statement is the nail in the coffin, the last straw, the final feather, the very last thing securing Asuka’s own misery, her self-hatred, her </span>
  <em>
    <span>utterly compounded</span>
  </em>
  <span> failure. She is the monster she swore to destroy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something hurts in her chest, less a pang and more a stab. Not a true one, Asuka knows those well, but the kind deep in your gut, in your heart, in your reasons to live, the kind that twists and pulls at your insides. A kind blade, but a mortal blow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I’m not— but you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>White-hot tears pour down Asuka’s face, only enraging her further, stoking the fires she turns on herself. If the dragon won’t burn her, Asuka will light her own pyre. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, she chokes out some argument, a paltry one at that; “but I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>useless to you!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She dares to pull herself closer to the healer, dares to take up a little of their precious space. “All I can do is hurt! I can’t heal you. I can’t weave spells or cloth. I can’t find you treasure, and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> my ransom’s fucking worthless! So tell me, dragon, healer, whatever you are; </span>
  <em>
    <span>why’d you want me alive?!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rei's lips part, and a warm, gentle breath slips between them. Her gaze is soft but piercing, unbreaking, delving deep into a burning blueness. Rei watches the water running down from the knight's cheeks, feels little pieces of her heart break with every drop that falls. What a human gift it is, to pull such sentiments from a husk of a soul such as Rei's. She thinks, were she capable of it, she would offer an apologetic smile, gentle and demanding of nothing-- maybe even weep herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why would I not?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her eyes turn away, finally, to find the knight's makeshift bed. Should she not choose to fight against Rei, or just simply kill her, Rei will need to fix the bedding so it is more comfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka’s head reels. There are so many reasons, so many things to loathe; for someone so quick to the defensive, it’s shocking, almost, how immediately Asuka jumps to her own condemnation, her own despicion of herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m the Knight of Nothing. no land, no home, no songs. the... the only person who </span>
  <em>
    <span>cared...</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Her voice cracks as she remembers him, remembers his smile, remembers the father she so nearly had. She shouldn’t have wasted their time together with her fantasies, or waste his memory now with her guilt. Yet she knows she won’t ever stop berating herself for it, not until she’s atoned, not until the gods themselves forgive her. “He’s buried in his garden, and... and nobody else...” she trails off, pulls herself a little closer to the dragon, for once hopes that they don't push her away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rei feels her chest grow tight. She cannot understand how it must feel to have someone care in any capacity, but to have such a thing, to have it ripped away, the idea alone makes her heart ache with something still undefinable. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Can even I, the beast, find such a thing? Would it be worth it?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Rei warily eyes the knight's shaking arms, their shoulder (which is, undoubtedly, in great pain), the distant stinging of her own palm as it holds the knight upright. It is likely at risk, but she can handle it after she tends to the knight's wounds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, though, Rei notes their closeness. It feels like the calm before the storm, the proximity that cannot last forever; the knight will become disgusted with her sooner or later-- if not already, then likely the moment she utters her next words. "...I will take care of you, if you will have me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka's tears plink against the cave floor, once, twice, thrice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her shoulder aches horribly. She can feel the wound on the dragon's hand, look up to its-- </span>
  <em>
    <span>their</span>
  </em>
  <span> face, see the injuries they have received. Fall into self-loathing even further, yet pull above water for something, something, something offered that seems too beautiful to be true. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I will take care of you, if you will have me.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>To hells with her knightly dignity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With her whatever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka pulls herself closer to the dragon, moves her arms so she's no longer latched to them and more... just </span>
  <em>
    <span>holding</span>
  </em>
  <span> them. As a healer, or a lover, or a friend, or... just some measure of gentleness. Asuka Langley Soryu always has something to prove, and right this moment she must prove her capacity to </span>
  <em>
    <span>care</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll have you, if you'll have me."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They are... close.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Warmth travels to the little hollow of her chest and lingers there, burning in a way that might actually feel wonderful. She says nothing; she does not feel like she has to. Her hand rises to meet the knight's cheek, delicately, hoping it can somehow convey everything she cannot say aloud. Her eyes are soft, she blinks as warmly as she is able. She hopes she will not cry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Rei carefully scoops the knight up, carries them across the cave slowly, to not add to their injuries. She then lays the knight gently upon the bedding, like any wrong move could make them shatter like a priceless vase. "Don't move, please," she whispers before treading to another part of the cave. She quickly returns with a crude water pitcher, a piece of cloth, and a herbal poultice she had fortunately pre-made earlier, one for drawing out infections just in case. She washes the wound delicately as she has done before, dabbing around the wound with frequent glances at the knight's face to gauge their reactions. Beast though she is, Rei does not want them to be in pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Asuka’s tears only wane, not stopping, as she’s laid down in the bed. Some part of her wants to fidget, toss and turn like a miserable cat, but it wouldn’t be safe. Not that she’s miserable. Asuka... really doesn’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> she feels now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>tender. vulnerable. yet without the terror she’s been living with lately, without the dull ache in the back of her mind. Something’s growing now, something old or new, Asuka has no fucking clue. But she’ll water it all the same. Still, might as well talk rather than just... lay here, enjoying the dragon’s care, doing nothing in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...If we’re set to be...</span>
  <em>
    <span>like this</span>
  </em>
  <span>, then,” Asuka begins, unsure what This in truth is, “...do you happen to have a name? can’t just call you ‘the dragon’ forever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rei pauses for a beat. She has always been "the dragon", both to the world and sometimes in her own mind, and if the knight had only referred to her that way she would not complain or correct them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the knight wants her name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her name, her own name-- in her mind she picks it up, dusts it off, places it in the daylight. It has been neglected, unused for over half a decade, maybe even before then, but still remains close to her heart. It must be-- it is the closest thing the serpent has to an identity.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She continues to clean the wound, dealing with the last bit of blood and scabbing before she answers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rei. My name is Rei." She looks up, red eyes shining with curiosity. "You must have a name of your own, as well?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rei</span>
  </em>
  <span>. What a name. Simple, elegant... </span>
  <em>
    <span>radiant</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Rare. Revitalizing. One that fits the dragon’s human form to a perfect T. She meets those red eyes, her own blue pair shimmering with interest, and whispers, “...Rei... that’s beautiful...” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As for her own name... Asuka coughs, and attempts to summon what last vestiges of bombast and glory she has left. For the sake of proper delivery, of course, nothing more, and absolutely not a pressing desire to impress the dragon even as she lays prone in bed recovering. She’s the Crimson Knight, goddamnit, so what if that title’s meaningless? “I’m Asuka! </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sir</span>
  </em>
  <span> Asuka Langley Soryu!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sir Asuka Langley Soryu.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She slowly mouths the syllables, tastes the words on her tongue. They are unfamiliar, certainly, but they feel so right. They sound just as the knight should sound, beautiful and rich in color and personhood. Rei would certainly cherish that name if it were her own-- but it is unbefitting of her, just as a silken gown of rich reds and golds is fit for royalty and not a wild animal. No, Rei will settle for saying it instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nods her head in acknowledgement. "...and shall I call you Sir Soryu?" Rei elects it best to start with formalities</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...Call me whatever you wish. Sir Soryu is fine.” Asuka cracks a smile, and gods it kinda </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurts</span>
  </em>
  <span>. How long has it been? Asuka can’t remember a single time lately she’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>smiled</span>
  </em>
  <span>, not since... Well, she did, once, when she received this quest. The hope of restoring her honor, of forming a new heroic life— she squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. No more thoughts of honor. Or knightly whatevers. The here, and the now. The dragon, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rei</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and herself. “...Can ya tell me about yourself?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rei smiles back, a weak and worthless thing compared to brilliance before her. She shakes her head. "Not now. you need your rest." She leans down to adjust the bedding around Soryu gently, to keep the knight warm with what meager resources Rei has. A nagging voice reminds her that winter is coming-- but it is not unlikely that Soryu will leave before then. Rei would not stop her. "Please, try not to move.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"...Gah...thanks, then... Rei." Asuka trails off, keeps her eyes on the healer's face, her eyes, her scars, as she closes her eyes and nestles back into the bed. It's not the most comfortable bed she's ever lived in, but something about it makes up for that. It feels... warm. Maybe it's the care. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Asuka drifts to sleep and dreams, not of hellfire, but of a hearth.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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  <br/>
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</p>
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